My friend texted me that he needed to talk. In his short text, he shared that our last conversation left him unsettled. I am always left uncomfortable when receiving an ambiguous message. My mind always defaults to, “So what did I do wrong?” I was soon to find out exactly what I did. When we finally talked, he shared that what I told him was so unsettling that he couldn’t sleep that night. The rest of the conversation was intense, filled with accusations, and didn’t go well.

It’s important to note that I have known this man for well over fifty years. Our lives intersect through many important and transformational experiences. To say we are good friends is an understatement. We first met at an Ashram where we lived for several years. We traveled to South America to spend time with several shamans and healers. Later in our lives, we belonged to a spiritual community. We explored the use of hallucinogenic plants. Our personal lives also intersected. Throughout our friendship, we always lived in proximity to each other. Our wives worked together. Our children played together. We often socialized together. We know each other intimately.

So how do two people who share a deep-rooted intimate relationship end up confused, triggered, in disagreement, and with our connection severed? It was easy.

The first moments of our conversation felt like a mosh pit filled with allegations, projections, and judgments. We were both triggered.

What I initially wanted to share with my friend came out more like an accusation. It was filled with my projections and judgments of who I thought he should be. We both quickly got bogged down in who did or said what to whom. It didn’t matter that some of what we were yelling about happened too long ago to be relevant or even clearly remembered. It all felt like righteous indignation. It’s weird how sometimes that can feel good despite being wrong and immaterial.

After we exhausted ourselves, my friend fell into a moment of clarity. He clearly shared the impact of what I said and what he needed from me. There was no rhetoric of perceived past injury or any projections of emotional insincerity. It felt like a clear statement of truth. In the clarity of that moment, I could acknowledge what he shared, told him I could understand its impact, and apologized for what I said. At that moment, we both felt heard. That entire interaction was brief. It took minutes. It was easy. It was clarifying. It repaired our severed relationship and returned us to a deep sense of connection.

For me, this interaction was a powerful learning experience.

Sometimes, it is all too easy for me to judge another person’s actions or life choices. Those judgments have the potential to become an “ultimate statement of truth,” defining the totality of who that person is or isn’t. I am often challenged to truly know what is in another person’s heart or what they are present to in their life.

I am left wondering about all the other judgments and projections I make. How do they keep me from the truth of who I am? How do they keep me from connecting to another person, a connection that might have the potential to be profound, intimate, and informative? How do my judgments get in the way of moving towards an awakening moment, a moment of deep, profound connection to the mystery that lives all things?

That’s not to say that I don’t have strong judgments against injustice, suffering, and the malevolent forces in the world.

We all have a front-row seat to our own lives. My view is often blocked by my own making.

I recently came across this saying by Rami Dhanoa.

“Your human form – its strength of mind, expansiveness of heart, and channeled flow of energy – is the only laboratory you need to make the discovery that will change everything.

Treasure it; stop letting yourself waste it! You only gain it’s like once.

So hard to get, so easily destroyed, It’s like a lightning bolt in the sky.”

This quote helps me appreciate the gift of my life. A gift that I should never squander.

My invitation is to come stumble with me as we move through the sometime turbulence of relationship.

Amidst the chaos and uncertainty of life, I remain open to Grace and the gift of my life.

If you have any questions, please email me at garymerel@gmail.com or call 732-208-2836. Also, please visit my website at leanintoyourlife.net