Resistance & Procrastination

It has been one year since my last blog posting. I have been studying, leaning into my resistance and procrastination around moving into the next part of my life. I have been working in my functional medicine practice for a bit over 20 years. That part of my life feels complete. I have been feeling the need to explore something different. Something new. I prayed. Shouted. Moaned. Planned. Promised and begged about what that might look like.  I have been hearing this not so faint voice murmuring about using the tools I have garnered over the course of my life to be of service. To connect to people, an organization that serves the greater good of humanity. Something other than having to take care of the financial needs of myself.  That exploration is a subject for another blog.

I had tried to sell my practice for several years. That did not seem like it was going to happen. My lease is up March 31st, 2022. I was trying to talk myself into not renewing it. Launching myself into the winds of my life and see where the unique expression of Gary landed. I have done that several tries before in my life. Not easy. Full of fear. But always got me to the next part of my life. So, the universe intervened. I am sure many people have had that experience. An unexpected gift. I got an email from Justine. A previous client and someone who expressed interest in my practice for several years. Despite our best efforts I had given up on that conversation. But there it was again. From out of no where, renewed interest in my practice. Something definitely changed. We spoke. Two weeks later all the details were finalized. My practice was sold. In that moment I became a free being. Happy. Jubilant. Exhilarated. Cast into the winds of possibility of my life. I felt like all the work I had done in my life was just validated.  Validation from God, the universe, the mystery of life, Ashem, Shiva, Ganesha, Krishna. Some or all of the above. But there it was.

What followed was an immediate feeling of fear. Accompanied with unrelenting doubt. What the fuck did I just agree to? Did I intentionally pull the rug out from underneath myself? I was not that totally surprised by the intensity of those feeling.  A moment of fight or flight. For me, a fairly normal human reaction. A place I have been before when I had made major life changes. As I heard many times, “breathe, meditate, pray”. But there it was. A gift. A gift that would allow me to explore the greater possibilities of my life. I could do anything. Work at Zingerman’s Deli. Do nothing. Binge watch TV all day. Be a waiter. Work for my friend Leo doing construction. Volunteer. This is the first time in my life I did not need to make a living. I could make choices not influenced by making a living. I could give space to allowing my life to unfold and let go of the unrelenting need to achieve. Holy shit!

After taking a day to give thanks and feel the immensity of this gift, I found myself running full speed into my self made resistance. Which gave way to procrastination. Do anything but what you feel inspired to! Do anything. But don’t follow your vision. I felt that my resistance was exponentially larger than my impulse to move forward in my life. Do anything else, but don’t lean into your life.

The weirdest thing is I found my resistance custom made for me. I felt like I was succumbing to the momentum created by the movement of life up to this point. My career of the past twenty years would not let go. I could not relinquish that which I wanted to move away from. I got three job offers. Justine asked if would continue to work for her. I was asked by a consulting client if I would consider being her office manager. And I received an offer from a practice management company to work for them. Great offers. Especially the last. If making a living was my priority. Great offers. All intended for me to “stay where I was”. To not explore the next part of my life. To not risk for my happiness. I am left feeling that I need to draw a line in the sand and proclaim to myself that I will defend my right to be fully alive, creative and anchored in a deep sense of being. Fuck you resistance.

Part of my daily mediation practice is to conclude with a prayer. Not for something tangible. Not like a girlfriend. A house. A car or even good health. But to pray to be available to have the illumination and grace of God ignite my unique expression. That which is uniquely Gary. I have found that out of the intersection of allowing that illumination to enter my being, my life is ignited. Out of that ignition, my life is created. Love. Relationship. Prosperity. Wealth. Community. Purpose. Friendship. I need to constantly renew my trust in that process. It has gotten me to this point in my life. When I calm my mind. Remove any doubt and fear it become clear to me that my life will manifest that which I need for my greatest good. A lot of hard and challenging shit. But also a lot of good stuff. Ultimately, I am left with a deep sense of clarity of who I am. Unfettered by the rambling of what my mind can conjure. I am left with a visceral experience of the divine grace of whatever it is that lives all things.

So, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, David. He had mentioned a book he read. The War of Art. Written by Steven Pressfield. That was exactly what I needed to move past my deep-rooted sense of resistance and procrastination. As is often said, the proof is in the pudding. I wrote this blog entry after about 12 months of not writing anything. I sat down and said fuck you to my resistance. I feel like I am not willing to give away that which is so precious. Me.

Bless the continual process of becoming Gary.

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