Finding Validation for My Life

Hacklebarney State Park, NJ. Part of my spiritual origin story. A very special place for me. I have been going there for at least 50 years. I went there to pray. To meditate. To restore myself. To do medicine. Planted prayer arrows. To be in nature. To have fun. On hot days, I would go skinny dipping in the Black River. I would often go there early in the morning. Leave the path and climb one of the hills, going deeper into the woods. If I sat for a while, totally still several herds of deer would pass within 4 feet of where I was.  I was recently in NJ for a family weekend. I felt drawn to go there. Needed to put my feet in the river. A form of communication with nature. A direct connection to the magic of the park. I am always amazed. Nothing has fundamentally changed. Looks the same as it did when I started going there. Feels timeless. Primordial.

I was in need of some validation of my life choices. Where I find myself today at this point in my life. Almost 69 years old. My practice is sold, and I promised myself not to continue to work for the person who purchased it. An all too easy decision. The inertia of my life can easily keep my employment for her in place. It is effortless. Change is hard. It is easy for me to succumb to the questions and fear the can emanate from my mind. When I feel in alignment to the mystery that lives all life, I feel a pull to explore the possibility of bringing my spiritual awareness into the world. I often tell my clients to not make any important decision when they are in a place of fear. Yet, here I am in a place of fear looking to make decisions about the future of my life.

I was given a gift. Grace. My practice is sold. I have the financial resources to do almost anything.  And yet I feel challenged to let go of the known and familiar. I am currently reading the Bhagavata Gita.  It is considered to be one of the holy scriptures of Hinduism. A conversation between Krishna and Arjuna. Arjuna finds himself on the plains of Kurukshetra in an epic battle.  Arjuna is being driven in a chariot by Krishna down the center of the battlefield faced on both sides by all the people that are familiar to him. People he is about to do battle with. He is afraid to do what he knows that needs to be done. It is an allegory for the battle many people find themselves in when confronted with the very hard decisions needed to grow and move one with one’s life. A battle to let go of the known and familiar and embrace the truth of their being.  A great book for where I am now.

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